Regards

In the darkest nights, when I forget the sun, I suffer digging for a gold nugget.

All my life, those existential questions about death and finitude have hurt me, for never did I find an answer.

At the same time, standing near nature always helped; actually it makes me feel Good about the questions and far away from panic attacks. And I never understood why.

Today, however, in my therapy, I realized something. The fact that nature, even puting my feet into the sea, makes me that well, is because there's a greater Question behind those questions. A Question that I cannot understand, but interpret it as 'Why's and 'How's regarding life and time. The existential and hurtful questions are but water reflections of the real thing, the real Question. And for this yet inconceivable Question, stepping barefoot on grass is an simple and complete answer.

Understanding this made me feel empowered about my panic attacks. Well, I'll probably have panic attacks still, because my body (and mind) don't know the Question and keep asking the same reflections they misunderstand. But I feel safe, somehow strong. I feel like I overcame the fear of having fear, and now it's only about the fear days about to come.

And fear by itself is something I can handle. We can handle, while we wait to understand it. I don't know you, and yet I believe in you.

Yes! For fear of death, only, is like being afraid of spiders. Would you say spiders, by themselves, are danger? Surely not, there are even people who would love to have thousand spiders all over their bodies. The fearful thing is not the spider, it's our relation towards the spider. Death by itself is not fearful, it's our relation towards this spider that is fearsome.

Look at the moon tonight. Silver is as beautiful as gold!